People Pleasing Is Not A Fruit Of The Holy Spirit
Written By Lasting Peace Counseling
A very popular discussion in the counseling room is on the topic of “people pleasing”.
People pleasing can be a trauma response AND a protective mechanism. In fact, recent literature on the topic of trauma has included it in describing what can occur in the brain’s response to a perceived threat: we either fight, flight, freeze or people please.
Sometimes the need to please others is generational as we learn by observation of our caregivers. Other times it can develop in those who struggled getting their emotional needs met as a child. The protector in those children developed a posture of:
“I’m only loved and accepted if I make those around me happy.”
“If I can just be good enough, no one will hate me”
“If I just do MORE I will belong”
A coach and mentor once told me that people pleasing is actually a form of manipulation. No wonder it is not considered a fruit of the spirit!
Why?
Because we are called to act and speak in BOTH truth and love. When we speak in all truth, we can be perceived as aggressive (think telling someone, “you know your behavior really stinks” with no love, compassion or understanding.) When we speak with only love (people pleasing) we say yes, when we should say no because the “yes” is a cost to our health, safety or family. When we say yes in order to receive love, but go home resenting that person, we are actually manipulating them. It is not fair to anyone.
We find this instruction in Matthew 5:37, “Say only yes if you mean yes, and no if you mean no. If you say more than yes or no, it is from the Evil One.” We are called to live with integrity, in Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”
Before saying yes or no, I encourage you to pause, take a deep breath and consider…is what you are about to say out of BOTH truth and love? Take it a step further and give yourself permission to take the time to think through this before offering a knee jerk response. Answers can wait.
